Its over...

I haven't been blogging and i know should have. The reason why, I was happy. I spend most of my time with Charles. And that's when I realize that I was falling for him. And now I'm not happy anymore. I'm just sad.

I put my guard down just a little and he notice that. He knew I was falling for him. So one night he called me and we talked for hours. He have to let me know that he can't do this anymore. He don't want to hurt me because he care too much for me to let this ride out.

He's not feeling me. He dont feel the sparks. He was confused, he was lost at that one point because he did had feeling (i guess) and now he dont. He could see us in relation and then he dont. He just dont know what he wants. Or maybe its just me. Maybe l'm not giving him the things he looking for. Maybe I'm just boring. Maybe I come to strange. Maybe that's why he's not feeling it. So he don't want it to go on because he know we both will get hurt at the end.

He felt like a jerk and he shouldn't feel that way. He think I should get mad at him, think I should hate him but I'm not and never going to. I'm just happy that he told me in the early stage. I'm happy that he's being honest with me. No one can never really find someone that can be honest with you nowadays. And that's why I can never be mad, upset, or hate him.

Last night we had our last talk. I have decided to stop seeing him for awhile. Just to break free from him, just to clear my head, just to get over him. And he respect my decision. He said its going to be hard for him not to text me, not to call me because he already got use to doing that. Well its gonna be hard for me as well.

Sigh! I feel so comfortable around. He makes me really happy everytime I talk to him, everytime I see him. Out of the all guys I been with, Charles was the only one that embrace me, show me that he really care, give me the comfort that I really need and want. I just gonna miss that.

I know I wont get to have that from him again even if we hang out again as friends. I wont get that kiss, that hug, that cuddling, all that good stuff. LOL.

I'm sad that I can't show him things as couple do. I'm sad that I wont get the chance to share things with him as couple do. I guess the only thing we can share together is friendship.

Today I feel OK, I feel fine, but, there's one thing I'm missing and its that little joy I have with him.

He taught me something. The three L words. Live, Laugh, Love. But I wont do that just yet. Because I'm in the process of letting this go. LOL. He gonna be upset with me and I want me to. =P

Really surprised

Its been almost a month now that I haven't talk to Rober and, to be honest, I've been thinking of him from time to time. But, I'm talking to someone that I like and he help me from not thinking about Robert.

I met this guy on Plenty of Fish in January a week or so before I left to FL. His name is Charles, from Newman, Georgia. He's white, 30 years old, have a car, have a job and he's a nice person.

We've been talking more and more after Robert incident. Each day and everyday Robert fade away and I being to like Charles more.

So the past weekend on friday, he came over to my place after i got off work and surprise me with the roses.

He knew that I had a bad day at work and he been thinking about getting me something all day that day. So, to make me a little happy and to show me that he cares, he surprise me with the roses and including himself.

I was shocked. I couldnt stop smiling. He's the first person that actually got me something and the first person to actually surprise me. And my heart melt. Lol.

Saturday we hung out at the bar with his friends and I enjoyed it. It was different from the city and that's the reason why I liked it.

Sunday we hung out again. We enjoy each other companies but I have this kind of feelings inside of me and I really don't know what it is. Lonely, hunger for more attention, boredom, need more of the extra ump make or something? I just don't know what it is that I'm feeling. But I like the guy though.

Broken Inside

About 3 weeks ago, I drove down to Florida to see Robert. The guy I mention about. It was my third time seeing him. The first time he flow me down there. The second time, I flow myself down there for his birthday. And this time I drove myself down there because I want to and the other reason is because he want to see me.

Everything was great. He took the time off for me for the first time ever. We spent the whole day in bed and it was perfect for me but the next day it went down hill. We had our first argument and it hurt me so bad that I just wanted to go home. But I chose not to. He made me feel like I'm a burden there. He made me feel like I'm wasting his time. But he said I wasn't. We let things go but why do I feel like it? Why do I feel so hurt?

Two weeks later when I'm back home, I got a text from him. I didn't expect this from him at all. I didn't expect to get hurt this early from him. He said he's engaged to this girl name Sang and that she's arriving down there the next day. I was so shocked. I didn't know it was coming.

He want me to go down there for him. He want me to drop everything up here just to be with him. And my answer was "I can't, not right now, I don't want to rush into a relationship". It had been 7 months and I'm still not ready. I couldn't give him what he want. So he moved on.

I've been played. He was talking to this girl behind my back while he was talking to me. If I know he was playing me I would have never went down there for him. I should have never put in times and effort for him but I did because I love him. And now my heart his broken. I'm Hurts.

He knew it would take me some time for me to move down there for him; to be in a relationship with him and I  thought he would wait for me. But he didn't. He went behind my back and found someone that could be with him.

He schedule for her to come down two weeks after me. What fucked up shit is that? I told him, "you could have stop me, you could have told me. You make me waste my time going down there". And you what he said? He said that I need to stop being selfish. I'm like WHAT THE FUCK?!?!? Me being selfish? He's the fucken one that is being selfish. 

He knew I was going down there to visit him because I love him but then he already have some coming down for him, to be live with him, to love him, to marry him, to fuck him every night. Now who's the fucken one is selfish?!?!?!?! clearly its him. He need some there for him, he need someone by his side and clearly I can't give it to him.

Uh, I'm so mad and angry. Forget sad and depress. I'm hurt but its mad and angry hurt kind of way.

I feel so used and be fooled. I have never felt like this before. No one have never done this to me before.

We said our farewell and I love you to each other. He said he didn't want this to end up like this way. He said it was a wrong time for us. And I just went on and agree with him because I have nothing else to sat to him. He said don't blame and I said it was me to blame and he didn't agree with it. Basically it was our fault. He need some there for him and I want to take thing slow. But thank god that I didn't jump into it. 

Sigh!!!! thats my stories.

One Year Later

i can’t believe its been a year since my grandma pass away. my family did something for her on her one year at the temple and i couldn’t make it because i had to work.

so i decided to go savannah to visit her there. that’s where we release her ashes.

the weather were chilly and gloomy but it was nice and relaxing. its just nice to sit and watch and hear the waves crash.

i really miss my grandma and i love her so much that that’s the reason why i went there to visit her, to feel her presence, to feel free with her.

thanks to my good friend amy for being there with me too. its good to have a friend by my side.

3 WEEKS AGO

Past 6 Months...

man, i haven’t been blogging for six months. its crazy. i’m either too busy or too lazy. lol. the last time i blog was about patrick. well, we didn’t work to well. craig, in the other hand, not communicating much well not at all. but who cares right?

panda, i forgot all about him. we kinda fell apart. he’s been stressing about not finding a new job before he’s contract is up. so he spent all of his time sending resume out and no time for working out with me. so sad.

let me let you in on some stuff that i did for the past six month.

1. i met this guy online and he flow me out to florida to see him. i took the chances and went down there. we didn’t expect much from each other but right after i left him and came back home. we miss each other and came to terms that we like each other and have some chemistry.
2. two months after meeting robert in florida we kinda fell apart. i was in heated and i haven’t got any ever since my last trip to see him. so, l did something stupid/first time/fun/ erotic. i….. had a threesome with my friend and one of his friend. to be honest, i had fun and would i do it again? i probably would. hahaha.
3. i went skydiving for the first time. totally awesome dude but i would never do it again.
4. i finally get to spend the whole weekend at pride in atlanta. i had a blast.
5. reconnect with robert. i flew myself down to florida for his birthday. he don’t know about the threesome and he will never know. lol
6. met this guy, jason. he totally in love with me. i didn’t give him a chance because i still have feeling for robert.
7. went wine tasting. i would never do that again. its so not my thing but the scenery is beautiful.
8. gain 13 pounds because of the holidays. that’s suck ass. i volunteer at salvation army for thanksgiving. i had a good time helping out.
9. 25th birthday party at club opera. got wasted. trying to flirt with one of my friend brother. girl, i don’t know if he’s gay or not. but we was kinda up on each other. mmmm he’s really cute to me. lol

3 WEEKS AGO

OH PATRICK

panda and i are in good terms. we talk about it and he agree that i should have had punch him in the face. hahahaha damn i should have took that opportunity. oh well too late for that. lol.

well, enough about panda. i know y’all tired hearing about him. blah blah blah.

ok, i met this guy from a4a and his name is patrick from rome, ga. we planned to meet up and have dinner one saturday night and that one saturday that we suppose to meet up was the day of my friend birthday. which i totally forgot. so we end up having our first date together with the birthday girl and our friends.

i know, i’m a bad planner but he was cool about it from the start about the our first date with friends thingy. lol. and the night actually went well and my friends and sibling really likes him a lot. and that’s a big plus because i kinda like him too.

after we part ways we decided to meet up again for the following weekend. and this time we actually had are 1 on 1 time together up at his place in rome. yes, i actually drove up to rome to hang out with him for the weekend. it was a fair thing because he drove down from there to have dinner with me for our suppose to be first date but instead we sent it with my friends.

we had a good relaxing time together. we enjoyed each other’s company.

and guess what we both found out after we request each other on facebook? we found out that we both are friend with craig. yes! how random is that?

make this store short, they meet at b&n where craig worked at while he was still living in rome three to four years ago or whatever. craig like patrick. patrick said no. craig want to get with patrick. patrick said not interested. craig keeps pushing it. patrick says he weird or crazy or whatever. and start cracking up about it.

of course i told patrick about me and craig. and we both agree that he is weird and whatever. lol.

7 MONTHS AGO

I SHOULDN’T BE UPSET…

i’m upset right now but i know i really shouldn’t be upset or mad at panda. he wasn’t happy at all for what he have done and i wasnt happy either.

he text me early in the morning saying that victor - the guy who went to school with me and that i don’t like - slept over at his place last night. his reason why victor slept over is he need some comfort because he just found out that is friend just killed himself two days ago.

at first the thoughts of victor and panda came to play but then it went away and i felt sorry for him and the loss of his friend. but later on when i met up with him at the gym he actually told me the truth that they actually did have sex. my heart sank and i couldn’t think straight. i was upset, angry, and mad. panda wasn’t happy for what he have done and i wasn’t happy either and he could see it in my face. i sure did show him how i felt about this situation which i really shouldn’t because we are nothing but just friends.

even though i keep denying that we’re just friends and i don’t have anymore feelings towards him, but i still do. i will always have feelings for panda no matter if i’m talking to someone else that i’m digging. i just don’t know why i still like him.

we really didn’t talk while we were working out. i really didn’t want to talk to him and he really didn’t want to push it so we worked out in silent.

when we were about to part ways, i saw a hickeys on his neck and that just made it worst of how i felt about the situation. i never notice it the whole time we were working out. thank god that i saw it as we part ways because i know i couldn’t stand any more minutes or seconds being around him. i was getting more angry and more upset that i just want to hit him so bad but i just walked away without saying anything to him. that is the only best way i could do is just to walk away…

7 MONTHS AGO

THIS IS SO NOT ME?

adam4adam is a gay website for gay men who want to have a random hookup, dating, making newer friends, and blah blah blah. to be honest i have done all of that. and i’m having fun with it.

my friend told me about this site and i was curious about it. i didn’t expect anything to happen or meet people but it happen and i meet new people.

i was never like this. i was never so open that i have random sex with different men. im always shy and thats one of my big problem. and now since i pop that bubble, i feel like i’m a fucken whore and i feel so bad and ashame but then it feel so good.

its good that theres no string attached, fun and safe. safety is my number 1 rule. no condoms no sex. and i have a few that happens.

7 MONTHS AGO

WHAT HAPPEN NOW?

i haven’t been tumblr here lately.

well lets start off with markese. markese fell off from the face of the earth. havent heard from in months and i don’t even want to bother calling or texting him.

craig, well, he stop talking to me because i was being a bitch to him. hey, guys have mood swings too and craig caught me on the wrong day. he kinda deserve it because he’s so damn serious with his questions, remarks and everything and i can’t stand it so i snap. i had a good time with him but this serious things drive me nuts. he act like i’m his boyfriend and i told him that i still want to have fun and date around and not rush into a relationship with him. but he just don’t get it.

its a good thing that we stop talking because i actually have more time dating around and meeting people. don’t get me wrong, craig is not the reason why i haven’t done that. its just that, i’m like a one person thing. i’m not like those guys who have multiple partners and multiple sex partners.

until now…. multiple sex partners that is. no string attached.

7 MONTHS AGO

SO NOT WHAT I’M LOOKING FOR.

just i excepted, markese failed me. i know there will never be a second date with him. the way he presented himself, the way he do things just throw me off. there weren’t any connection, there were no sparks. maybe the reason is that he is too damn young for me. i need someone who is up to my level and his not even there half way.

after the date we parted. there were no kiss, no hugs, no nothing but a good-bye. which it’s fine with me. lol.

we haven’t talk much due to is work schedule. the last time i heard from is when he called and told me that he’s taking a full time. i’m happy for him but i’m kinda sad for myself because i miss talking to him. i have more connection on the phone than in person with him. now that is sad. lol. buts it’s okay he’s not the only person i’m talking to.

on to the text….

8 MONTHS AGO

TWO DIFFERENT DATES IN ONE WEEK…

me and craig hung out couple of time but never went on an actually date until couple of days ago. we went to the drive-in and watch back to back movies. i enjoyed it with him. it’s just me and him in his car. it’s just peaceful.

but tonight, i’m going on a date with markese. dinner and a movie at atlantic station. let’s see how it’s going be. i’m excited to go on a date with him so i hope he won’t fail me because he sound too good on the phone. i hope his personalty on the phone match up with his personalty in person.

9 MONTHS AGO

COMING AT ME ALL AT ONCE…

as i’m trying to get to know craig and worrying about my trip to savannah for my grandma 100th day from her death. two other guy from the same jack’d app try to talk and get to know me as well. well, one is trying to get to know me and the other just want to meet up and just fuck because he really love asian men and their dick and the other reason is because his open relationship partner went out of town.

i was about to hook up with him on that friday night but something came up with his friend and i was drinking with my family after the temple. so that night was fucked up and i really didn’t care because all i worried about was my grandma 100th ceremony weekend.

saturday came around, went to the temple in the morning and went to work afterward. i want to get that day so i can head out to savannah after the temple but i got stuck working. later that day me and that guy that want to hook up email each other back and forth and wanted to see me that night after i get off work. i told him that i would love to but i can’t because it will be too late and i have to drive down to savannah right after. so that hookup was never meant to be. lol.

while trying to hookup with that guy and still getting to know craig, this young guy name markese want to get to know me. so i gave him a chance as well. i don’t know why this shit is happening. when i want someone like panda or want love or emotional and lonely, i can’t have love or panda. but when i don’t want no one or talking to someone, that’s when everyone come at me at once and try to get to know and stuff. it’s too much for me but i like. lol. i’m weird, i know.

9 MONTHS AGO

PANDA IS NOT OUT OF THE PICTURE YET…

the guy i met through jack’d app was cool. we met at the park, we walk around with his bunny (yes! he got a rabbit which she is so cute), and we talk.

time past by so fast because panda text me saying that i’m late. i was suppose to meet panda at the gym at that time. but instead i was still with craig at the park. i feel kinda bad because i left him there at the park and rush to the gym to meet up panda.

panda is not out of the picture yet because i still like him but i’m still going to give craig a chance and get to know him.

9 MONTHS AGO

CHANCES….

i’m talking to this guy i met in jack’d app on my iphone and he’s a sweet guy. and thats all i can actually say. we plan to meet up today at the park for the first time and i’m not really excited or nervous about meeting him. i don’t know why but i’m giving him a chance. i’m the type of person that never really judge the person by their cover. i’m the type of person that is open minded to meet new people. 

there’s two things that caught my attention what he text me. the first thing was when he said “your cute but i’m not cute enough for you”. i’m not cute enough for anybody either and no one seem to notice me and think i’m attractive and i think thats one of the reason why i’m still single. but i have to put my foot down and say screw you! someone is out there that think i am. and there is.

the other thing is when he ask me “what make me special to u?” my answer was, “i make everyone feel special to me. that’s who i am. i’m open minded and not judgmental.” and i really meant it. i just wish that people are more like that. give people chances and make them feel special in someone else’s life. 

there’s one thing that i learn-to pick my words carefully-when someone ask “what you think about him or what u think about me?” my answer are always going to be “he is cute in his own little way or you’re cute in your own little way.” the reason behind my answer is that i don’t want to hurt that person if he or she is not cute and i don’t want to make that person more cocky or whatever if he or she is really cute. i try to make things fair for me and for others. 

10 MONTHS AGO

WOKE UP UPSET AND THEN I’M ALL GOOD.

i went to sleep just fine that night i hung out with panda and them because i was super drunk. and the next morning i woke up upset.

my dream was a replay from that night at the bar and in my dream, after the bar, my brother and i went home then panda showed up from no where. he was about to follow me to my room but then my brother burst out ‘i didn’t get a thank you?’

i was like ‘thank you for what?’

‘for making panda dance with you.’ he said.

i was mad at both of them because they pity me and the only person that i actually got mad at was panda because he know that i like him. he led me on. then i got really angry because he didn’t say anything. he just sit there and text to one of the guy he met that night.

and then i woke up from my dream.

i was like wtf! and then got upset. lol what a stupid ass dream. but then, think again, maybe that was happening for real. they might did that behind my back. who knows right? but i’m not letting it get to me. i’m all good boo.

later on….

my friend read my tumblr and text me if i’m okay. i was like ‘yup. y? shouldn’t i be okay?’

“u shouldn’t stress urself about panda. if a person sees u happy then they will become interested. just like when u see him happy n living his life u become interested and wanna be involved.

it works both ways. that’s why i was always so stuck up. even when i was depressed about a guy i kicked myself in the ass and made myself happy.

happiness is the best revenge.

that’s my new status lol.

and even if u don’t end up with that person, u will make them regret what they have lost.

<3”

i start on laughing because it sound so true and i’m beginning to believe it. lol

10 MONTHS AGO

IT’S CLEARLY RIGHT IN FRONT OF ME…

met up with panda last tuesday before i hit the gym. the gym is literally right in front of his apartment. so i called him and he came out to meet me. i wasn’t nervous or being one some else like i did couple of time before. but this time, i was actually being me. i was happy, cheerful and care free.

he need to see who i really am and i’m showing it to him. and he actually coming around. he’s not really keeping the distance from me any more. and then it leads to this new subject i’m about to tell you. well it was suppose to be a new topic but i might as while put it with this topic.

dot dot dot

what am i thinking? why i’m i putting myself in this shit again? well not really. lol.

i went to the bar with my brother and his boyfriend and met up with panda and his friends over the weekend. we just hanging out as friend. that’s what he wanted and thats what i’m doing. but we in up dancing together towards the end of the night.

my feelings starts to grow all over again. my brother and his boyfriend can see that i’m really into him. so clearly he can see that too, but nope, he still see me as a friend.

but can what can i do? the answer is nothing. all i can do is put my feelings to the side and be his friend. ive been doing that pretty well but sometime it just comes out but the friend thing grow over the feelings. you know what i mean?

(sighs) why can i have the guy that i wanted? the answer is clearly right in front of me. i’m not their type. ahhhhahaha

10 MONTHS AGO

I TOOK THE CHANCE TO TELL HIM…

remember the post i posted up with the panda picture? like how i want to tell him after the handed him his gift. i wanted to tell him that…

“i never got the chance to tell u when i gave u u’re gift because i got choked up. all i wanted to say is that the reason y i got u the gift is to show u that i care for u and that i still like u even tho i know that i don’t mean anything to u at all. i just wish that u could have took some time to get to know me more like i got to know u. i hoped that u would like me like the way i like u. u’re different from all the other guys that i met and that’s the reason y i like u. i know that any of those never going to happen because u never put in any effort like the way i did. sorry for wasting my time and ur time for reading this.”

well couple of days after i post that. i sent him that text. the reason was because it was out of upset (i was about to say anger but i wasn’t angry) and i was drunk.

i didn’t get the response back until the next morning….

panda - “it wasn’t a waste of time for me to read it. and i’m sorry i can’t return the feelings that you have for me. you are a good friend and i’m happy i have met you. your panda did not go in vain as i really do love it. and a friend gave it to me. i know i’m distant and detached but that’s just how i am. i didn’t want to hurt you so i just kept a little distance.”

“sorry. u didn’t hurt me. im the one that hurt myself because i put my guard down. i’m the one to blame for u to keep ur distance away. i should have never told u that i liked u in the first place. but u can go ahead and delete my contacts number if u want. just let me know so i can do the same. if not, i still won’t bother u anymore anyways. i just let u come around instead. and by then, my crush for u will be gone. it already felt like it’s gone already because now i know how u actually feels towards me.”

panda - “i don’t hate you if that’s what you think. and no i’m not deleting you.”

“i don’t hate you if that’s what you think. and no i’m not deleting you.no i don’t think that. lol. it’s just that most people feel weird out about situation like this and leave that person high and dry in the dark.

panda - “na. i won’t do that.”

“thanks for everything…. well not everything but u know wat i mean. lol thanks for listening and for understanding”

panda - “/bows. i’m sorry that i didn’t turn out how you wanted. but i’m still on your side.”

“that’s how life is. the things u’re hopping for never turn out the way you wanted.”

panda - “i know that all too well. believe me”

yeah i still have the text. lol. i haven’t clean out my phone. i was suppose to post it right after the panda pic but i got to damn lazy.

and the reason why i’m posting it now is because…. well i don’t know. maybe because i want y’all to know what really going on and why i’m happy now.

10 MONTHS AGO

okay i know what you all going to say. “wtf, i thought you stop talking to him?” well yes i did stop talking to him until i saw this cute pillow pet panda at the store and it reminded me of panda and i thought about him when i saw it. yes i really did delete his number from my phone but i never mention that i have him as my friend on my facebook and i still do have him as my friend. i never deleted him and the only reason is that i never really go on it so when i do go on it i don’t look for him because i haven’t thought of him until now when i grab the pillow panda. i just got to have it not for me but for him.

the reason why i grab it is that i wanted to give the pillow panda for his birthday gift. i know that is birthday is in april but i don’t know the exact date until i saw his info on fb and his birthday is next week. instead of giving his gift next week i decided to give it to him early because i know i won’t get to see him on his birthday. so i got his number from his fb and text him that i got something for him and wanted to drop it off. he agree to let him stop by and drop it off but can’t stay long because he’s been trying to go sleep early since he been sleep late when he was on his vaycay. 

i didn’t really care because all i wanted to do is to drop it off and wanted to tell him something but after i gave him is gift, i got choked up. i couldn’t tell him what i wanted to say because he was too excited and happy to see the pillow panda. i didn’t want to ruin the moment.

i got up and stood at the foot of the door way and said my “good-bye”. he gave me a hi-five and i automatically gave him a hi-five. as our hand touches, he pulled me in for a hug and hug for a pretty long time until he pulled me back and place both of his hand on each side of my head and stare at me. i waited and stare back at him. right there, i know, he’s going in for a kiss me. so i kinda tilt my head back so he can kiss me. then he lean in for a kiss. he kissed me….. on the forehead. 

i felt so stupid and embarrassed because i tilt my head back waiting for a kiss on the lips but instead he gave me a kiss on my forehead. i try to play it off by trying to kiss him back on the forehead but playful smacking and rubbing him in the head. but really i want to smack him in the head hard for playing with me.

he knows… he know that i like him. that’s what i wanted to tell him after the handed him his gift. i wanted to tell him that “i still like you even though i don’t mean anything to you. i just wish that could have take some time to get to know me like i got to know you. i hoped that you would like me like the way that i like you. like me as a friend or whatever but i know that never going to happen.”

i believe i got my answer because he post the picture of the gift i got him on facebook and tag me in it. and he said “a friend” got him an early birthday gift. so in his eyes and in feelings he can only see me as a friend and thats all i needed to know. now i can really move on. i’m actually happy. i feel happy because i finally know what i am to him.

10 MONTHS AGO

SO LONG PANDA…

SO LONG PANDA…

i text panda one last time and i told him that i like him and i like hanging out with him. i never told anyone that i like them or have a crush on them at all and he was the first person i actually told. all he said was “hugs/rub head. one step at a time chu” and that was it. i ask him whats his input about it and that’s all he said.

i just wanted to know what he really feels about it. i want to know if he feel the same way but it’s clearly shows that he doesn’t. it hurts. that’s why, at that moment, i deleted his number from my phone and all the texts we had.

i don’t want to be the one side person that only have the feelings. that’s why i took that step to stop and erase everything that we talked about because i want this feelings to go away. but it’s not working at the moment.

i shouldn’t be feeling sad because i know i will find someone in the long run. but i just gonna let it be. that’s how i will get over things.

11 MONTHS AGO

right after work i went straight to the lake. it’s just a few steps from my boss house/office.

i’m here collecting my thoughts and try to relax. too bad that i can’t come up here every week because i sure do need some time to let everything out and just not think about anything.

after i post my last blog just a minute ago. i begin to have a clear mind and that’s a good thing. i don’t want to leave this place because i know for a fact that i will start thinking again. why can’t i just work up here for a whole week or so so that when i get back to the city i will be fine and happy because i have not thoughts about panda and no thoughts of feeling lonely.

11 MONTHS AGO

Woke up Feeling OK

i woke up early this morning like every other morning. but this morning felt different and i haven’t felt okay ever since last friday. i didn’t wake up feeling lonely and depress. i didn’t wake up thinking and over thinking. i just woke feeling okay.

to be honest, the past weekend i felt like shit. i didn’t want to do anything. i didn’t even want to work. i just want to lay in bed and talk to panda. but panda didn’t respond back or return my call. and that’s why i felt like shit. i just wanted to drink so i won’t think, so i won’t feel like shit, so i won’t wait for is texts, and it did work but the next day i begin to think again and later that night i starts drinking again. three days straight and i never drink when i’m depress or stress all i do is just lay in bed and waste my life away.

but today, my mood changed. maybe i needed to be depress to get over things. maybe i did needed to be weak to be strong later on and i guess its working. so i’m not going to have my phone with me all the time now like i uses to because i know for a fact that i will never see his text again.

1 YEAR AGO

PANDA….

it’s been two weeks now that i haven’t got the time to post anything. too busy and too stress out to even blog.

today is my off day from work and sadly i don’t want to be off. i want to work because i don’t want to be stuck at home and over think things and depress myself out for no reason. my life is so pathetic from two weeks ago until now. when will i make myself un-pathetic? well i can’t because i’m so damn emotionally weak to do so.

fuck my life!!!

remember what i said on my last post? about dropping the guys i’m talking to? well i couldn’t stop myself from talking to the third when he text me. i suppose to ignore all the text and phone calls and i did besides this guy. 

panda is the nickname i’m going to use on here. one of the reason why is because he loves panda.

so of the blue, panda text me and i couldn’t resist his text. he text “rain makes one hell of a lonely night”. and he was right. it was a hell of a lonely night. i want someone to cuddle and he want someone to hold but we can’t do it that night because it was already late. but two nights ago we finally got the chance to do it.

i went to his place right after work and we chatted for a while then later he turns off all the lights and ask me to come into his room. we laid there for a while and chatted some more than he got close and automatically my left arm went under his head for him to lay this head on and my right arm wrap around his stomach. at that point it felt just right and romantic, to me felt like it but i don’t know how he feels about it. 

he turn around to face me as i’m already facing him. he gave me a kiss on the cheek and then one on the lips. my heart was racing because i felt something, a spark between us. i got hear my heart ponding in my ears and as he laid his head near my chest, i know and i hope that he knows that my heart was beating hard for him.

after we cuddle, i left and that was it. and really haven’t talk since.

as of right now i don’t know what this mean. what do this mean? i don’t want to ask him because i don’t want to chase him away. i’m hanging right now by a rope around my neck because of not knowing how he feels. but in a way i don’t want to know because i don’t want to hear the words that will hurt me. i’m scared to get hurt again.

1 YEAR AGO

BITTER BECAUSE OF OTHERS…

yesterday i was doing fine. i was feeling fine. i took my brother’s boyfriend out to lunch because he ask me to keep his boyfriend company while he’s at work. side note: my brother is out of the closet now but not to my parents though. and ask for me, i haven’t told them either but they figure that i am. i guess its like ‘don’t ask don’t tell’ thing.

well anyways, i became uncomfortable when its just me and them two in one room together. while watching tv i could hear them two making out and giggling and doing what love birds do. it made me feel more uncomfortable, aggravated, jealous, and bitter.

i’m uncomfortable because i’m still not uses to my brother coming out and being out. i always think that i would be the only gay one in the family but i thought wrong. now there’s two family member to disappoint the parents. just great.

i’m aggravated because my brother did this in front of my face, well, not right in front of my face but in the same room as me. i’m aggravated because my brother knows that i want love and want be in love and want the things he’s doing and having. and he knows that i’m a loner but at least have some consideration and not do it around me. right?

and then, to be on honest, i became jealous. i’m jealous because i can’t find love even though i try or not even trying at all. i’m jealous because he get to experience everything he wants and needs. and i can’t even experience this one thing called ‘love’.

and this leads me to become bitter. i couldn’t stand being in the same room with them so i stormed out the house to smoke and get away. they try to talk to me and i gave them bitter responses. i guess they figure out why i was being a bitch that night and i hope that they do know so they can stop doing what couples do behind close door in private in front of me.

so, today, i finally took the time to myself and decided to give up on looking for love. i’m going to drop the guys i’m talking to and just be a loner because they’re not making me feel happy. i also decided to not really come around and be around couples because all they do is make me feel really sad inside and make me feel bitter and become a bitch with nasty attitude.

so… that’s it for me.

1 YEAR AGO

My Place

i haven’t been to this place for a every long time. i’ve been happy for a while now but today i feeling down and sad.

after sitting down and let my feelings out, i still feel sad. this one, it’s not about being lonely for valentine. it’s about my grandma. i couldnt help it but to cry. every tuesday or the days i’m off i spend my time taking care or watch over her at the hospital even tho i hate it and complain about going there. i’m kinda miss it.

i’m off tomorrow and i don’t know what to do because i uses to be at the hospital but there’s no more hospital because my grandma is not here any more for me to stay my day and night with. i really miss her!!!! i really do.

1 YEAR AGO

V-DAY… SIGHS!!!”@

today is just another day for me but suddenly that feelings went away and another feelings swarm in. and that feelings is loneliness. it’s just that everybody keep on posting and talking about dates and dinner with their love ones and their special some one. it make feel alone because i actually don’t have no one for valentine this time.

the guys i talk to is not here for me. the first guy is out of town and i haven’t heard from him in like a week. the second guy is way….. too weird and so not my type. the third one told me that he’s going on a dinner date with a guy. wow… slap in the face!!! i do kinda still dig him.

so this valentine’s day this year is just another lonely valentine’s day for me like the other years.

sighs

1 YEAR AGO