Back on Facebook

I active my Facebook and found that Charles delete me first. Wow, he actually beat me to it.

I didn't really except that but he did what I told him. Am I'm wrong for making us stop being friends? Am I doing the right thing? If I'm doing the right thing then why do I feel bad? Why I'm having this guilt?

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I went out to the bar with my coworkers and met up with one of the guy I met on A4A. It wasn't the first I met him in person. It was our second time meeting up.  We talk and hang out while my coworkers chat among themselves.

I just wish that we have more things in common like how Charles and I had. Its not so easy to have conversation with him and I wish we do but we don't.

Dating around is hard and it get tiring fast. And that what I'm feeling right now. I'm tired of dating around and that's one of the reason why its hard for me to have something in common with this guy. I'm just too lazy, too tired to ask and to start a conversation.  LOL

PANDA..

Today went well until Charles pop in my head. And I felt out of place. He just randomly pops up. I was like WTF.
To think about it, I miss him. I wonder hows he doing, I wonder how the guy treating him, I wonder if he miss me too, have he thought about me. So many questions running in my head.
I wanted to go something. I wanted to go out but no one really wants to meet up with me. Until Panda suggest that we should go out. I was surprise that he even thought about it.
Finally we got to hang out besides the gym. Lol. We went to the bar. Got some drinks in our system and chat away. I really need that after a long day at work and the thought of Charles.

Just Great....

My Samsung Infuse 4g phone won't charge. I'm going crazy here because I can't get in contact with my friends, Robert, and other guys I'm chatting with on the gay apps. lol.


I can't get a upgrade until January of next year and make it so bad I don't want to continue having AT&T anymore. Their service sucks booty and I don't want to go on with them anymore. I'm thinking about taking over one of my brother line instead.


I just did a rush order of a battery charger that come with an extra battery. Hope that I get it by this Friday or Saturday before I fly down to Florida on Tuesday. I can't wait to go down there. Ekkkk can't wait to soak up the sun and relax and get some action. I haven't got any up here. So sad. But it's okay I'm fine with it for now. Lol.

Going to Florida

Yes, I'm going back to Florida. What changed my mind? Well everything. I'm lonely up here. I need to get away from here. And Robert want me back and he's willing to fly me down there. But the sad thing is, I don't want him back. I do care for him and love him but I can't put my heart out there for him anymore because of what he did to me.

My coworkers think I'm crazy for running back to him but the thing is I'm not running back to him. I'm going down there to get away from Atlanta and just have fun and enjoy my time away but with him though.

My Facebook is still deactivated and I'm thinking about activating it back. I need my social life back. Lol.

Goodbye

I took the time to get away. Got a call from Robert from Florida and he wants me to go back down there. My answer was no. Don't want to get back with him.

Last friday. I went down to see Charles. I thought I was OK. Until he got on the phone during the movie and then I got upset because I knew he was talking to his new guy. Of course, I got on my phone too but I wasn't texting.

It felt like a slap on the face. It was suppose to be Chu and Charles time but it wasn't. To me, I thought it was rude. And that's why I felt, well I kinda stormed out of the house. My heart was racing, my mind was all over the place, i felt pain, hurt, hatred and make it so bad my noise literally flare. That's how mad I was. And that is not pretty.

When I got home later that night I took my time and write him how I feel and that I can't be his friend anymore.

This is what I wrote to him.
"I want to let u know I can't do this anymore. I can't be ur friend. I tired my best, my hardest to put my feelings to aside. But I couldn't BC I really like u and care a lot for u. Bc im too weak. I want u to forget about us, forget that u never met me and the things we did together. It hurt so much that I can't be with u, that u wont give us a try, that ure moving on, that u wont be there for me.

This is my last goodbye for real. I don't want to hold on to us as friend or whatever anymore. Its too painful. Delete me off ur phone and everything u have of me and I will do the same. I don't want u to look back on us or anything that we had together. Ill delete u off my Facebook when I get the chance.

Please take care of ur health.

Goodbye Charles Moran. I <3 u."

This is what he said, "im sorry, you feel that way, but you have to do whats best for you, i wish you all the luck and love in the world."

That's all he said. .......?........?........? I thought he would say more but he didn't. I want him to open and say more but he didn't. Uh!!!! But its OK. I don't need anything from him anymore. I'm so over it. I just hope we could be friends like how me and Panda were. Well panda and I were different from how me and Charles was but every relationship end up different. And Charles and I relationship end up in the trash. Its sad to say but we end up in the trash.

Can't take it anymore...

I didn't get the chance to blog about my dinner date and I really don't want to because it was nothing really.

Yesterday I talk to Charles and he told me that yesterday he start talking to someone on Facebook. My heart sank and my mind went blank. I didn't know what to say. All I could feel was pain. I didn't know it was this soon. I didn't want it to be this soon.

So today, I felt lonely, unwanted, I felt jealous, I feel like I should be the first one to find someone else before him. I know this sound selfish but I couldn't help how I feel. I don't want to be the last one to be hurt but now I am.

I deactivate my Facebook last night. I just want to get away from people, get away from him, get away from my social life. Just MIA. I can't take it anymore.

I delete all my apps. I'm just tired of looking and finding. I'm tired of dating around. I'm tired of men just want to have sex. I'm just tired of everything.

That's why I'm going MIA. To find myself. To make myself happy. To get everything straighten out even though ill be lonely and stuff.

I needed that

Last night we came to term that we can see each other that night. I'm fine with it and he's fine with it.
We had our talk about my date for tonight and he still want me to go even tho he forgot that I'm having it tonight. LOL. What a dumb ass? I told him the night before and he forgot already. And make it so bad he ask me to come over tonight to go with him to one of his coworker party. LOL. But he still wants me to go on that date besides going to his coworker party with him. So I was like okay, fine. =P
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I didn't except much but just to hang out and watch movie. Until he put one of his leg on top of my laps so I decided to put the other up on it too. We began to play around. One thing leads to another and I end up laying on top of him with his legs wrap around my mines.
I tilt my head back to look at him and he look back. I look back at him and he look back at me again. Then he said "remember this, you wanted it."
Then it came back to me. I mention to him the last time he came over with the stuff panda, I ask him can we just be cuddle buddies. Since we both know that we're not in a relationship, both single and lonely, both need the comfort of someone and know we can't get any sex from each or with anyone else. (Other word, can't be Fuck Buddies) LOL.
Cuddle buddies, I really need that and I know he need it too. It felt just right. Why can't I find someone that can hold me just like he do? Uh, I hate him for not giving us a try. LOL but its okay, as long as I get the comfort and cuddling I need from him then its all good.
I just hope that he don't think I'm falling for him again because I'm not. I still like him and all but I wont let myself fall again until he ask me to or he starts feeling the sparks [again o_O]

Confused

Last night Charles called. I didn't really except him to call bit he did. We was joking around about our day and he was like "you seeing someone today?" And I was like "no, but what if I do? What would you think about it?"

His answer was, "I would be really jealous." And starts to laugh it off and added "I'm just kidding. I wouldnt." I know he would just a little because he told me that he really like me right after I told him that he wasn't kidding.

So, I told him that I might consider going on a date with my friend. Charles know about him. I tell him everything. So there's nothing for me to hide from him.

I told him that it feels weird. He ask me, "weird in general or weird because you telling me?" It was both. I told him that I want to just try it but then again I feel like if I do I might hurt him. I told him that it feels like we're still talking and at the same time we're friends. He stayed quiet. My guess is, he might felt that same thing too.

I'm confused and he knew that. But he told me to just go on the date but dont let him that advantage of me. Don't let him get inside my pant. LOL.

Uh, I'm making this hard on myself.

Just try...

I'm here alone at the lake behind my boss office. Just got off work and I needed this relaxation after a long day at work. LOL I wish that my backyard have a lake. I would be more calm and stress free everyday. But that's just a wishful thinking.

Right now I don't know what to say. I feel lonely, I feel OK, I feel blank. I wish I could talk to Charles right now but I choose not to call him or text him. Just really trying to give that a  break now. I'm tired of trying period.

I notice that I'm the only one that call and text him. It makes me look bad on part of my end because we're just friend and we're not talking or dating anymore. But at some point I feel like we are still talking and still getting to know each other more and the other part is just talking as friends.

I just feel stupid sometimes because I'm trying to get him to notice me more. Which that don't work. So I'm just done trying. Not completely done but right now I'm just done.

I suppose to meet up with my friend today after work but I turnt him down because I just want to set here and be alone. One other reason is that I don't want to see him.  Because I know he really like me and I told him how I feel about us but he still like me and still want to try.

Right now, I think I might as well take his offer and go out on a date with him and just try. I think it wouldn't hurt to try if I already laid out everything on the table and he understand. I just wish Charles would do that. Just give us a try and see how it is. We already laid out everything on the table but he still wouldn't try. And I think that's what bother me the most. Is that, he turn us down so easily and don't want to try even tho we know we like each other and care for each other.

But it is what it is. Can't change his mind.

I guess now ill have to call my friend and reschedule with him. I'm just gonna try and see how things turn out.

Gosh I don't want to leave this place. Its so peaceful and the weather is just right.

Road Trip

Took a road trip this weekend up to Tennessee for my friends wedding. It was nice, sweet, and intimate close setting at the cabin up in the Great Smokey Mountain with their close friends and family. I'm so happy for them.

O_o

Charles came by the other night and got me a panda stuff bear. He say he could stay long but end up leaving at 5 in the morning because he was stuck playing Angry Bird.

Look at how he lay in bed playing games on my phone. Panda also enjoyed watching him play games too. LOL

OK, so, I know y'all must be thinking, "I told y'all stop talking?", so on and so on. We did. For a couple of days. LOL. I told you that it was gonna be hard for me not to text him and call him. But I end up doing it.

All I have to say is that the feelings is there but its not strong as it uses to be like before. And its good that its fading away. Because I like that we are friends and hanging out without the GOOD STUFF. LOL. Maybe one day we can get to the good stuff but right now I'm fine the way we are and things is.

What is wrong with me....

One minute I'm happy. One minute I'm sad. This shit is killling me. LOL.

At this moment I really feel empty and lonely. I just want that comfort and embrace. I just need that hug and holding that keeps me in place but I don't have that. So my head is running on empty and my loneliness is taking over.

I need a drink and need a cigarette but I chose not to do both of them because I know I will not stop. For the past few days I've been smoking like crazy. For the past few days I've been drinking wine. And I usually don't do that. But this empty feelings and loneliness really make me want to do those things right now.

Ok, so, today i did something that im not suppose to do but i did it anyways. So, I failed today. I failed my test on not calling Charles and not texting him, to give me some times and break free. But that shit didn't last long. LOL

This morning I woke up feeling happy and having some joy in me. And the only person that pop in my head was Charles. So I couldn't stop myself. I called him and share him my joy.

The entire day we text each other. I was joking around with him and he was joking around with me. I was just being myself. Being my stupid goofy self. There was no need for us to talk about our relationship or go back to what we had in the past of couple of weeks ago.

Today just feel like a fresh new start. I write my complet thoughts, lock things up and it gone but if he want to reopen it up and want to try and start where we left off at then I would reopen it for just for him. I would really do that because I know he will be honest with me with everything. He's a great guy.