Flash Back...

Yes, I have a little crush on someone that I know I shouldn't have but I can't help it. Of course, he's obviously cute but that's not the reason why I have a crush on him. Hanging out him, getting to know him, seeing that he's a caring person, showing that he's a loving and understanding person, made me draws more into him.

I haven't crush on someone like him in a very long time. Getting this stupid butterflies in my stomach every time I see him and I know it's wrong to have that feelings.

There's so many reasons why this little crush is so wrong for me.
Reason #1 he's my friend younger brother.
Reason #2 he's taken.
Reason #3 he's younger than me.
Reason #4 he's not even gay.

What is wrong with me? I shouldn't be doing this to myself. I shouldn't let my feelings take control.

*sigh*

I don't want to let my feelings shows when I'm around him or with his sister and our friends because I don't want rumors to start but I can't help it when I'm around him.

One of my friend told me that there were some eyeballing when I'm around him or talking to him. My guess is, they might think something is going but theres nothing going.

There's already some sayings about me like, "don't turn him gay, I need some nieces and nephews running around." "He's a player and Chuna is one of his boyfriends." "Don't try to recruit him."

I have a feelings that they already talking stuff about me. I don't want him to get uncomfortable of what they say or get uncomfortable around me.

I don't want to go through this situation all over again. It happened to me once in high school. I got close to this guy, we hang out a lot, just the two of us skipping school. And one day he never came around again because rumors started.

And I don't want this to happen to me and this guy now because I do like him in general and his sister and our friends. I just don't want to lose them because I have a crush on him.

So.... I have to cut and slow down by not texting and hanging out with him and them.

Oh lord here we go again....

I haven't been blogging in forever. Been too busy with work after my 2 weeks of vaycay in Ft. Myers, FL couple of months back. Yes, I went back down to Florida and guess what? Same shit happen. He disrespect me in front of my face with his texting. Yes, he was caking on the phone in front of me with another guy. We argued. I was about to pack up and leave once again but he made me stay abit longer. 

So we talked it out. I let him know how I feel and how I felt about him texting all the time in front of my face. He apologized and everything was cool after that.

I know it was a waste of time but in a way its not because I was still in love with him. And when you're in love with someone, nothing seems like its a waste of time because you cherish only the happy moments you have with that person. And that's what I did with him. I cherished only the happy moments I have with him. 

So you can say it was a good/bad idea to go back down there because I left with a good terms with him. We know we can't be together, we know we love each other and we know we can be friends from now. And we going to leave it like that.

I went to Miami to vist my friend after I left Robert's place. I love it there. It was beautiful and really nice weather. I can't wait to go back.

Now back to the present......

I've been busting my ass off at work. I'm a waiter at a Chinese restaurant. Blah..... boring. But it helps pay my bills.

Im not talking to anyone at the moment. No one wants to talk to me but its ok. Im find with that. Im too busy to look anyways. Trying to get my life back together and make that money shawty. Lol

And oh, I have a crush on someone.......

.......to be continue.

Oh wow, I haven't been blogging in so long ever since that stupid guy.

Lets see where should I start? I've been looking for jobs and still haven't got any call back. I had a threesome with two Asian guys. I'm not talking to anyone. All I've been thinking about is Robert. I feel lonely sometimes. And that's it. My life sucks. And oh, my crack my screen on my phone and drop it in the water. Now my camera don't work. I'm trying to do Insanity which I can't even get to the second week. I'm on my third week and I'm trying my best to do it. I smoke a lot now. I'm just stressing. SIGH!!!!

What a fucken dick....

The guy I was talking to is a fucken dick for real. Uh!!!! I'm so piss. I did nothing wrong to him. All I said was I meet a guy and we play with each other. And he told me that he went on a date but didn't do anything. Then he fucken ask who was the guy. "Is it ur brother or his boy friend?" That shit wasn't the first time he ask me do I fuck my brother and his boy friend. The first time I let it slide but this time it just fucken piss me off. So I hung up on him.

And this what he texts me.

Later on he fucken try to give me excuses after another excuses. Whatever, I don't need that shit from him and from anybody.

I am not gonna pray for him. He need more than a praying.

Hanging out with Charles

Friday night I went down to visit Charles. I was looking forward to see him hang out with him. Its been a month that we haven't seen each other.

I was bored the night before Friday so I decided to draw him a rose and panda to sub for the actual gift because of my situation but I end up getting him a rose anyways. It was a cute thing to do. I hope he liked it. He said he do but you never know he might not. Lol

All we did was hang out and watch movies. There were no cuddling or anything because we just hang out as friends.

Sigh....

But its OK. I don't need him. Lol

Going through depression

I was feeling great for the past couple of days after I got fired. I have my family and friends supporting me and helping me find a job.

Now I feel like shit. I just received my last big check and it all went to bills. I begin to cry because I have no more money in my bank. I feel like I'm going through my hard time now. I have nothing. I have no income to help me get through this.

I feel like I got what I deserve but then again I shouldn't deserve this. I shouldn't deserve to go through this. I've done nothing wrong but you know it is what it is.

I feel bad because my brother have to buy me food and gas. My sister is helping me out with my car insurance. My friends want to take me out for lunch or dinner it whatever. I don't want to be a burden to them. I don't want to depend on them because I'm uses to be so independented.

I'm crying because of so many things is running in my mind. Its sucks to be jobless.

I really got fired...

This morning I woke up to reality. I have no job. I got fired yesterday from some stupid shit. Its basically he said she said thing but its the true fact though and I got fired for it.

I cried a lot yesterday then got mad later. He's so fucken stupid. He think he's always right about every little fucken shit he say. Will your wrong on this one you old fat ass motherfucker. If you can't handle the fact that some come up to you and confront you with this kind of shit then shouldn't open you fucken mouth.

I'm not a rat or instigator. My bookkeeper ask me one question about something and I told her and the reason why and that was it.

My boss got mad because she confronted him with that topic and other issues she got with him. But he put it out on me and fired me.

My coworker called and told me that he went crazy in the store. He said I put words in his mouth and that wasn't the first time. That's a fucken lie right there. He said he never said that. So he call my other manager that I worked with. She told him the same thing I told my bookkeeper. He said that he never said that. BAMM... in your fucken face and guess what? He still fucken denied that he said that and still fired me.

I went to my manager house to talk to her and decided to file unemployment. He's gonna be fucken pissed off but I don't give a shit. You fucked with me now I'm gonna fuck with you, you fucken old fat man with no fucken life that hate black people but then fuck with black girl which his ass going broke because give free shit to hoes.

Woo..... I'm fucken piss. I need a cigarette now. I'm going to the store today to drop off my keys and pick up my stuff that I have over there. If I see him, I don't know what I'm gonna do or say. Lol I might even be a little pussy and don't say or do anything. But then again I don't want to waste my breathe on this old low life man that have nothing better for himself.