yesterday i was doing fine. i was feeling fine. i took my brother’s boyfriend out to lunch because he ask me to keep his boyfriend company while he’s at work. side note: my brother is out of the closet now but not to my parents though. and ask for me, i haven’t told them either but they figure that i am. i guess its like ‘don’t ask don’t tell’ thing.
well anyways, i became uncomfortable when its just me and them two in one room together. while watching tv i could hear them two making out and giggling and doing what love birds do. it made me feel more uncomfortable, aggravated, jealous, and bitter.
i’m uncomfortable because i’m still not uses to my brother coming out and being out. i always think that i would be the only gay one in the family but i thought wrong. now there’s two family member to disappoint the parents. just great.
i’m aggravated because my brother did this in front of my face, well, not right in front of my face but in the same room as me. i’m aggravated because my brother knows that i want love and want be in love and want the things he’s doing and having. and he knows that i’m a loner but at least have some consideration and not do it around me. right?
and then, to be on honest, i became jealous. i’m jealous because i can’t find love even though i try or not even trying at all. i’m jealous because he get to experience everything he wants and needs. and i can’t even experience this one thing called ‘love’.
and this leads me to become bitter. i couldn’t stand being in the same room with them so i stormed out the house to smoke and get away. they try to talk to me and i gave them bitter responses. i guess they figure out why i was being a bitch that night and i hope that they do know so they can stop doing what couples do behind close door in private in front of me.
so, today, i finally took the time to myself and decided to give up on looking for love. i’m going to drop the guys i’m talking to and just be a loner because they’re not making me feel happy. i also decided to not really come around and be around couples because all they do is make me feel really sad inside and make me feel bitter and become a bitch with nasty attitude.
so… that’s it for me.
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